Burning Question: Do you want to know how to deal with stubborn aging parents? There are many ways in which your parents will change in their old age. Some of them aren’t pleasant for either the parent or for anyone in their surroundings. One of the most challenging examples is the tendency of the elderly to become stubborn and difficult in terms of adapting to change and the demands that their age has put on them.
This is most noticeable when an aging parent needs to accept that they require medical treatment or that they need to make some changes in their behavior in relation to it. Many children feel that the last years that they had with their parents are often colored by this problem.
The question, therefore, remains: how do you deal with stubborn aging parents without letting their new reality affect your relationship and without putting them in danger.
Why is this happening?
Before addressing how to deal with such a problem, it’s important to try and figure out why elderly parents are being stubborn. For the most part, this will help you address the issue in a more meaningful way. It will also help you understand their perspective and thus make the conflict much less emotional and less stressful.
In a lot of cases, the old people are losing their autonomy and a sense of control over their lives. This is because the medical problems are taking over a lot of their time. Because they are becoming more fragile overall. To them, behaving in a difficult and stubborn manner is a way of maintaining that autonomy.
Another reason to have in mind is the fear of change. Changing your ways is never easy and especially so if you’re an old person. Aging itself will require the parents to adapt and switch their routine and fear of such changes can lead them to rebel.
It’s also possible that there are medical reasons for the change in their behavior. Signs of Dementia, as well as many other illnesses that come with old age, can change the personality of a patient. It’s important therefore to be aware that these changes are symptoms of a disease and to treat them as such.
What to expect?
There are numerous ways in which this stubborn behavior could demonstrate itself. Every old person is different in a way so brace yourself for the unexpected. However, there are also some behaviors that are common and that others have dealt with. You should talk to the people who have had similar problems with their loved ones and try to learn from their experiences.
Anger
Anger is the most common response from an old person losing control over their life or portions of it. Research done in this regard shows that there’s a clear link between depression and anger, with feelings of depression oriented inwards and anger towards the outside world. This is especially common with aging parents who are grieving.
Resentment
Resentment towards their children is a common emotion amongst the elderly as well. It’s similar to anger in its origin and effects, but unlike anger, it’s passive in nature. This is also one of the emotions that run wild with the elderly who suffer from depression and who have lost a loved one. It can sometimes poison a relationship more than anger can.
Using foul and hurtful language
This is the least damaging problem you may come up against with your aging parent. But it’s also one that many are struggling with and that they find the most surprising. This is especially so if the parent hasn’t used that kind of language before. It can often be a symptom of some mental illnesses such as Alzheimer’s and dementia. If you fear this to be a case, you need to report it to a doctor and try not to get phased by it.
Refusing the services of a caregiver
A lot of the time an old person may require an outside caregiver in order to provide full-time and long-term support. Many parents find this to be damaging to their relationship with their children since they feel as if they have been passed on to an outsider. It can be a dangerous thing to reject since a professional caretaker could do more for them. The best and possibly the only way to deal with this is to explain it over and over again and to stand your ground.
Refusing to see a doctor
Another problem that may arise due to old people and the increase in this stubborn behavior of an elderly person is that they just won’t see a specialist. It’s also a rather dangerous one and you shouldn’t give in no matter what. It’s important on the other hand to figure out the reasons behind this behavior. In most cases, it’s the fear of the unknown and the fear of aging that leads to refusing medical help.
Personal hygiene problems
This is an uncomfortable topic to talk about but it can lead to medical problems as well and therefore it’s something that should be addressed. It can be a symptom of depression and a sign that an elderly person has let themselves go and isn’t able to take care of themselves anymore.
It’s something to address and for the most part, it’s best to have a medical professional specialized in depression to help you out with dealing with it.
Demanding time and attention
Old people often finds themselves with more time on their hands and they find it troubling to fill that time with meaningful activity. Also, the first encounter with medical problems may leave them scared and thus cause them to seek reassurance by asking for your attention at all times.
This can be rather difficult for children that have complex family and professional lives of their own. It may lead to arguments and somewhat damage your relationship. So, you should try to create clear boundaries as soon as possible.
Diminished mental capacity
As much as 6 percent of all the elderly whit age over 60 have some sort of mental illness or at least what’s called a diminished mental capacity. The population of that age will double by the year 2050. That means that dealing with the issue of diminished mental capacity becomes more of a public health problem.
Many of the problems with stubborn elderly parents are in fact results of diminished mental capacity. There are a few signs to look for beyond the overall behavioral issues that may lead you to believe that the problem is more serious than just being stubborn and difficult at an old age.
Memory loss
This is the most difficult one to spot since some memory loss is normal due to old age. This is especially so with recent memories, and many elderlies aren’t able to remember something that happened during the day but can talk vividly about the events that took place years ago.
If you notice that this happens a lot and that it may be dangerous for your parent’s day-to-day activities, you should alert a doctor about it.
Poor judgment
Judging the quality of someone’s mental capacity isn’t always easy. It’s usually something that you can do better if you know a person for a long time. Even kids have a problem detecting poor judgment as a symptom of mental illnesses and diminished mental capacity in their parents. When you notice that there’s a pattern in their bad decision-making, you should be alert, since it’s more than just a mistake, it’s a symptom.
Difficulty grasping simple concepts
It’s another common symptom of diminished mental capacity and one that’s not that easy to catch. It often happens when an old person is forced to deal with a medical regiment. Something as simple as keeping track of which medication to take can be too difficult for an elderly person to grasp. It’s essential therefore not to get frustrated with their behavior but to find ways to work around the problem.
Mood swings
Mood swings are a big challenge for a relationship between an elderly parents. Their kids since from the perspective of a child they can be seen as manipulative behavior. However, there’s no intentionality there and that’s just how an old people feels. For the most part, this is caused by stress, and the best thing to do when you notice such a mood swing is to acknowledge it and try to remove the root cause of it.
Isolation and losing interest in people
This is a common symptom of depression and it’s one of those rather challenging symptoms that makes itself worse as time goes by. It’s a common side effect of depression and it will make the depression itself more challenging, creating a vicious cycle. It’s rather difficult to get your parents to deal with this problem and that’s where professional help may be needed the most. A simple act of trying to talk about this symptom will somewhat alleviate it.
Communication challenges
Communication challenges between stubborn elderly parent and their kids could come in many shapes and forms. It’s important to note the difference between the two major causes of this problem. Sometimes there’s a physical reason for it and that’s usually after a stroke or another brain-related illness.
In other cases, the reasons are psychological and that’s in a way even more challenging. It’s often necessary to hire a professional to help you deal with this challenge and to work on your relationship as much as you can. Most other issues could be resolved by being able to talk about them in an open and honest way.
Vision impairment problem
A very common issue that’s often mistaken for a mental capacity problem and that should be dealt with separately. Often the old people don’t want to admit to having such a problem in the first place. It’s difficult to assess when they are not paying attention to the written instructions (usually coming from a doctor) and when they have a sight impairment.
How to deal with stubborn old people?
The changes in the behavior of an elderly parent shouldn’t be dismissed. They can be a symptom of a larger problem and they could be damaging not only to your relationship but to their health as well. Once you notice that an elderly parent is acting irrationally. You should assess the level of damage, possibly with the help of a doctor, and devise a plan to address the problem.
Learning to accept it
The first thing you need to do is to learn accept the new reality. That seems like simple enough advice but, obviously, it’s not an easy thing to do. Trying to return to the times when things were simpler and your parents were younger and healthier can be emotionally challenging and it can’t be helpful in any way.
It’s also important to figure out which of their new behaviors, even though annoying, are not really harmful, and which need to be changed since they can be damaging in the long run. Knowing these differences will allow you to pick your battles and leave your parent in control of where they can be. This way you will not put as much strain on your relationship.
The difference between psychological and physical stubborn Aging parents can be difficult for a variety of reasons. Some of them are psychological and others are physical and are often a symptom of a different disease. It’s important for you to be aware of these differences and to know what the reason behind the changed behavior of your parent is.
It will change how you address the problem and how you battle with it. The effects that come about due to the physical changes your parents are experiencing will be the ones you’ll be able to accept more easily and with less stress and anger.
Understanding their point of view
Even though their behavior may seem to be irrational and often to their own detriment. There’s always a reason behind the odd and stubborn behavior of the elderly. Sometimes those reasons have a medical background – i.e. physical pain, and sometimes they are caused by psychological stress.
Understanding their point of view and reasons that motivate their behavior isn’t to say that they should indulge in them. But it gives a basis for the relationship to change and not get damaged by the anger, arguing, and other conflicts that might come up.
Empower them
Old age is no pleasant thing and especially so when you’re losing your faculties and dealing with diminished mental capacities. That’s why old person needs to do all they can to empower themselves, and their family and caregivers should also do what they can to help them.
Empowering is mostly done by allowing the elderly to maintain their autonomy and to make decisions on their own where ever that’s possible. These small victories could, therefore, help you deal with stubborn parents on the issues that matter and that can harm them if not treated seriously.
Create protocols when something goes wrong
Leaving the space open for the parents to decide on their own doesn’t mean that you should put them at risk. One of the ways to deal with stubborn aging parents is to prepare a protocol in case something goes wrong. This way the parents get to keep their autonomy and you limit potential conflict while having a safety net.
A good example of this can be the practice of setting up a “go bag” for your parent that may need to be admitted to a hospital even if they refuse medical care. That way you can be ready to visit a hospital without having to prepare them for it.
Share your feelings with someone close
Dealing with an aging and increasingly difficult and stubborn parent can be stressful and challenging. It often means that you need someone to talk to and vent. For the most part that needs to be someone with whom you’re close and can talk openly.
It’s best if those aren’t your parents but someone else you’re close to, like a friend or another family member. Venting your problems with the parent that’s causing them can only damage your relationship and make it more challenging to compromise later on. That does, in turn, mean that your relationship with friends and other family members may be damaged as well. So you need to be careful and not allow yourself to overreact.
Compromise
It’s important that stubborn old parents and their kids reach a compromise when it comes to their stubborn behavior and the need for medical Hospice care Missouri City. This is sometimes difficult to do since the parents will make it hard to adjust and won’t accept new realities, and the kids don’t feel the need for compromise when it comes to the well-being of their parents.
Finding the middle ground is the only way to go, however. That’s not only done in order to make the process and the tasks ahead of you easier but also in order to save your relationship during these difficult times.
Communication is key
A big part of taking care of an elderly and difficult parent is communicating with them about what’s going on and what steps need to be taken. That’s often the most challenging part as well. It can be frustrating to try and explain something that’s natural and simple to you. It’s also difficult to do it all over again as is often needed for the elderly.
This is a skill and as is the case with any other skill, you’ll get better at it over time. You can also seek professional counseling that will help you make the most out of these difficult situations in a way that’s best for everyone involved.
Read about it
There are resources online about this topic and you’ll need to familiarize yourself with it if you want to address the issues using the knowledge and the scientific research that was done by the experts in the field.
Knowing the reasons and the processes behind the problem could help you grapple with it in a more engaging way and, thus, be more proactive.
Therapy
There are therapies out there that are aimed to help those dealing with this problem in particular. There are ones for both the seniors and their children. They could attend them both together and separately. Don’t hesitate to use this type of help when it’s available to you since it can mean a lot in providing you with the infrastructure and knowledge needed to deal with an aging and stubborn parent.
It will also be a basis of emotional support for both of you when things get more difficult over time.
Be loving
It may be challenging for you to be loving and carrying toward your parents as things get bad. As they become more stubborn, more forgetful, and less of what they have been before. However, you’ll need to remain loving and remember that they are your parents and that love needs to be the basis of your relationship.
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This is something that you need to work on and that you need to remind yourself of when things get hard. However, if you’re aware of it, the tasks ahead of you will seem easier and more manageable.
Communicating with a stubborn elderly parent
Most of the problems that you’ll face when dealing with an aging parent are about communicating with them and explaining the new realities that they will have to confront. This can be daunting and it can require you to go over and over a certain subject many times.
It’s also how most conflicts start and how most relationships between parents and kids get strained. There are ways to improve your communication skills and adjust them to your parents and their condition and you should make an effort to do just that.
Personalize your language
The way you speak with your parents about the tasks ahead of them is just as important as what you say. The language you use needs to be personalized. It’s not enough to say “you must exercise” or “the doctor said you need to exercise”.
It’s much better and more effective if you make it personal and put it in actionable terms. For instance, “I will help you exercise” will be a much better way to phrase the same sentiment. It shows you’re in it together and it showcases the exact action you’ll take together.
Don’t assume
There will be a lapse in judgment on the part of your parent and sometimes their day-to-day reasoning may not be as it once was. That’s why it’s important to communicate directly and clearly and not to assume anything. That will help you avoid confusion and keep everyone safe in the process.
Sometimes you’ll assume something that you believe to be obvious and simple. That may be the case for you but it won’t be for a senior, especially one with a worsened medical condition. Therefore, assume nothing and approach every situation with an open mind.
Don’t judge
Sometimes you may find your parents to be difficult, even impossible, and working to their own detriment. All of that may be true but scolding them isn’t the right way to go when those behaviors are a sign of aging and medical problems. It’s essential not to pass judgment.
Even when you’re unable to understand why they are behaving in a certain way. It’s important that your language addressing that problem isn’t judgmental but oriented towards finding a solution and making a change that will make them safer and healthier.
Don’t beat around the bush
The way you talk is the key to having a productive and problem-solving dialog with an aging parent. This isn’t only about the choice of words and the tone, but also about sentence structure and overall use of language in general. You need to adapt in order to make yourself more understandable and clear.
Start with being direct and using simple language. That way you’ll convey the message you’ve wanted to so that everyone, even an old person with diminished mental capacity can know what you mean. You should also make sure to ask questions and to get clear responses in order to make sure that an elderly parent understands you.
Listen more than you talk
It’s essential that you listen to your parents and that you pay attention to what they are saying. There are a lot of reasons for this. First of all, that helps your parents on an emotional level and especially so when they are going through a challenging time and have a lot to process. Secondly, this will allow you to understand their point of view and get you the information that you need so you know how you can best help them.
This may prove to be more challenging than you may think since the elderly aren’t always coherent in their thought or language. Make sure you’re patient and that you actually pay attention.
Give them a chance to think
Everything that happens to old people including diminished mental capacity. The sudden onset of illness, can be rather challenging and sometimes even overwhelming for old people. Parents can be stubborn about their new role and the role of their children simply because they haven’t been given enough time to think and plan them over.
That’s something you should implement in your communication and day-to-day conversations. Once you introduce a new plan or a new idea, you should give them time to consider it. This is obviously the case only when time isn’t of the essence.
Provide alternatives
When you talk with your elderly parent, and especially so if they are stubborn. You need to structure the planning and the conversation itself to accommodate that fact. That’s best done by providing them with alternatives in terms of their course of action. Sometimes this can be done in ways that lead to the same outcome even though alternatives are presented.
This leaves the elderly parent with a sense of autonomy even if, in reality, there actually isn’t one, and that can mean a lot in terms of saving your relationship.
Stick to easy topics
When you’re not discussing the pressing and difficult issues of medication, doctors, and similarly hard-to-deal with issues. You should stick to easy and familiar topics. Talking about the article that the seniors are familiar with that they understand is a way for them to relax and put at ease.
These are also the topics and subject matters that they can talk about and that will make them feel as if they are still in control over their faculties and abilities. It’s a way for both of you to once again stay on the ground on which you’re comfortable and on which the dynamic of your relationship is as it was.
No distractions
Carrying on a conversation about these difficult subjects can be challenging for old people. Therefore you should do it in a setting that’s suited for it. Try to do without any distractions that will take you away from the main topic or the goal of your conversation.
The distractions can come about from talking in a large group, talking about too many things at once, or from taking in a setting that’s not suited to a calm conversation.
When to seek help?
There are instances when problems with a stubborn elderly parent. They can’t be solved just by their children. When they need to be passed on to a professional who can help. These professionals will sometimes act as mediators and simply help you along. When it comes to reaching a difficult decision and on other occasions, they can take a more active role in the whole process.
Reaching a decision to seek help is never easy and many children hesitate to do so, often endangering their parents in the process. It’s best to look for clues that are a sign that things have gone too far. When you notice one or more of these signs. You should look for professionals to step in since they seem to manifest when a senior’s health is already in danger.
They are refusing to eat
This is a very common problem and many children of elderly parents have faced it before. That sometimes happens due to depression and sometimes it’s a conscious and self-destructive move on the part of an elderly person. Obviously, it can be rather damaging to their health and even fatal in some cases.
It’s therefore important to monitor your parents in terms of what their eating habits are and even be pushy about it when needed. If you notice that they are rapidly losing weight, feeling weak, and are unable to carry out their day-to-day tasks you should alert a doctor.
Abuse of medication
Abuse of medication can mean a lot of different things. It’s the term used to describe the misuse of medication prescribed by a doctor. It can be done on purpose, in which case it’s a way of self-harming, or it can be done because a senior isn’t able to understand the guidelines set up by their doctors.
This is important to find out how the abuse took place. Because it will determine how it should be handled. It’s much worse if the abuse has happened on purpose. That’s usually a sign of depression or some other mental health issue. A mistake with medication intake can be fixed relatively easily.
Alcohol abuse
Alcohol abuse is also more common amongst seniors than you might believe. There are a few reasons for it. Firstly, seniors may start abusing alcohol as a way to fight depression, loneliness, mental and psychological problems that they need to fight against.
Secondly, the tolerance to alcohol may be lowered over time as a result of old age and some medical conditions. Therefore, the abuse may come from a senior not being able to consume as much alcohol as they once could, and only a drink or two can get them intoxicated.
This abuse can lead to a variety of health problems including:
- Cancer and liver damage
- Lowering of immunity
- Destruction of brain cells
- Accidents, falls, and fractures
This can be prevented and stopped if the problem is noticed on time and dealt with using the help and knowledge of a professional.
Antisocial behavior
Old people are often involved in a variety of different antisocial behavior as a side effect to the medication. They are taking or as a side effect of their illnesses. When these become damaging and hurtful to others or themselves you should consult a professional and look for their advice on the matter.
These behaviors include:
- Attacking others physically and causing them harm
- Trespassing on the property of others
- Issuing threats to those around them
All of these could also lead to the old people themselves being hurt, either by accident or on purpose, by someone who feels threatened by them. These behaviors could also require you to take legal and not only medical measures to ensure their safety.
Conclusion
Old age can be cruel and it often comes with a variety of different health problems and diminished mental capacity. These aren’t only harmful and dangerous to the old person experiencing them but to their family members as well. A lot of the time it’s the kids that need to answer the question of how you deal with stubborn aging parents without damaging your relationship.
There are countless ways in which the behavior of seniors changes over time. It’s a mix of deteriorating abilities, medical problems, and having to deal with the changing circumstances related to old age. The key to dealing with it is to start from the point of understanding and love.
It’s also essential that you change how you communicate with your parents and adapt the mood and the tone of your relationship to their new needs and abilities (or lack thereof). This is a deliberate process. It takes time until you’re able to do so in a way that will save your relationship with your parents. It help them deal with aging in the process.
In the end of this old people topic, sometimes you may need to ask for the services of medical. Even legal professionals to help you with changing the circumstances of your parents’ condition. It’s the measure taken when their actions become harmful to themselves or others.